Dubs Dread: Tiger Woods!!!

by Friends of the Program on December 3 at 4:20AM

{Here's Dubs. But also be sure to check out my Big 10/ACC Challenge post over at the Sun-Times' Full Court Press blog. -- Rickhaus}

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BY DUBS

I was at a house party the other day and was talking to this girl in-between long and successful drags on my cancer stick. She told me that she was kind of single. And, of course, I asked, "what does that mean?" The fine young lass informed me that she had this boy who was getting his masters in Arizona, that they talked every day and they still really cared for each other. BUT. And this is a big BUT. They agreed that each of them could hook up with other people. So, I said, "that's like eating your cake and having it too." "Why yes it is," was her reply.

And that is the lifestyle of most pro athletes, especially the matter-of-fact-ness of it all. Only switch "boy in Arizona getting his masters" to WIFE WITH CHILD ON THE WAY. It has become a cliché. To a certain extent, we no longer have a problem with professional athletes cheating on their wives with multiple random women in multiple random cities. Christ, one wife even lets her husband bone one girl a year. We have come up with a term for it--road beef. It is almost expected.

He plays golf too!!!

And that is why this whole Tiger Woods thing hurts so much. He was the exception that proved the rule. He was the nice, pleasant, family-first golfer. He was the good, well-respected and favorite son. He WAS my brother. But now, he is a morally corrupt, asshole, who put his dick before his family. He IS me. Tiger has become another cautionary tale to women married to rich and famous men. And as Mama Dubs put it, "it is really sad."

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/RANT

Listen ladies, girls are going to throw themselves at your RICH AND FAMOUS HUSBANDS. It's a well documented tradition, god knows that's why you started dating him. So get your shit together. HE WILL DO BAD THINGS WITH OTHER WOMEN. If you can live with that or justify it with new cars or expenses jewelry, that is your prerogative. Just don't, and I mean ever, expect Dubs to feel bad for you. You put yourself in this situation, now live with it. You could have married Ricky and been treated right. You may have to live on food stamps in his parents house, but he would NEVER fuck around on you. HE KNOW HOW LUCKY HE IS TO JUST HAVE A WOMEN IN HIS LIFE. It may not be as glamorous as you dreamed as a young spoiled child, but it is safe. And he is Ricky.

/END RANT

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Tiger's road beef.

This column was initially intended to be about how in situations like these it is probably the middle ground that is the truth, not the TMZ version or the PR Tiger Woods version, but a muddle collage of the two. The truth to one party is usually not the truth to another. But now, I have no idea. After the voicemail he left on a former lover's cell and more women coming out of the woodwork confirms he was not exactly honest with his wife, or us, it is hard to say, "yeah, TMZ. Total douches" because, in all honesty, it is plausible. He has cheated, maybe not with the women we originally thought, but it appears he has, many times. A women scorned is a women scorned.

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Because I can. Lets watch that amazing Chinese rendition of what happened at the Woods house that fateful night one more time:

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Other Things:

Bobby Bowden!!!!!!! Finally.

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It is a little early, but what the fuck. New Year's Eve has turned into a burden to the point of "FUCK IT!" I don't care anymore. Just get me drunk and comfortably on a couch or bed at a reasonable hour so I can get drunk at an appropriately early time on New Year's Day. By FAR a better day to celebrate another year of disappointment and general malaise. New Year's Day is like New Year's Eve without drunk couples fighting, that overwhelming feeling of FAIL if you don't get that midnight kiss and cheaper drinks. It is very comparable to Christmas and Christmas Eve, but with MORE booze!!!

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So apparently there is a Holy War going on in this country. Utah is quickly turning into the goddamn Middle East. WTF? I thought all people in Utah were pleasantly married to at least five people... on second thought it would be pretty difficult to deal with THAT many women. Fuck, I can't even handle one. I actually understand this. Can't take your marital frustration out on your 40 kids, punch the Utah football coach in the face!!!!

Mormons!!!!

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As I write this I am flying to Arizona to see my brother play some golf, celebrate his crazy Canadian roommate's birthday and hopefully make some seriously bad choices. Why I am telling you this is because I just ordered some Screw Drivers on the flight and they TAKE CREDIT CARDS. This is going to be a dangerous couple of days. I will report back next week with some details.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

Dave | December 3, 2009 11:47 AM | Reply

Love how you put Ricky on the complete opposite side of the spectrum from those rich, famous, pussy-crushing athletes.

Arin replied to comment from Dave | December 3, 2009 5:57 PM | Reply

Ricky isn't a pussy-crushing athlete? Why the fuck am I reading this site daily then?

Damn it!

Dubs Dread: Tiger Woods!!!

2 Comments | Leave a comment

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