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Dubs Dread: Happy New Year!!!by Friends of the Program on December 31 at 2:37AM
{Here's Dubs. I'm taking the next day or two off. Be back next year. Ha! No, wait. Be back next decade! HAHA. But seriously. I'll be back Monday. Have fun and don't do anything too silly tonight. And yes, I DO in fact know that you would have had no fun and yet still somehow caused harm to yourself and others had I not just pushed you in the right direction. You're welcome. Again, Dubs. -- Ricky} BY DUBS In the positive, almost epic way I penned the gloriousness that is Black Wednesday, New Year's Eve almost has the opposite affect on me. NYE seems like just another night on the town--drink and try to pick up a girl to makeout with (hopefully by MIdnight)--except you might be dragged to an event where you have to wear a black tie and pay $150 per ticket. Awesome. Black Wednesday has a simple purpose... GET FUCKED UP. NYE has all the intentions of just another night out with the added pressure of having a SPECTACULAR time regardless of the mood you're in. You aren't allowed to go to the darkside. You aren't allowed to feel sadness or regret. You aren't allowed to be human. If you don't have fun YOU'RE the asshole. "So what if you're dad died yesterday. Lighten up. It's New Year's Eve, dick!!!"  The balloons say "Happy New Year", the skulls say "Old Halloween Decorations For Sale".Will Leitch in his Life As a Loser column about NYE adds to this: "I hear people complain about New Year's Eve, that it's always made into a big event that ultimately disappoints, that they feel pressured to have some kind of momentously fun time. These people are sad, really, incredible dullards and whiners. Pressured to have fun? Hey, I'll take that kind of pressure every time, no problem. I wish I was pressured to have fun every day, rather than pressured to pay the bills, pressured to hold onto my job, pressured to keep my head above water. If you can't relax and have fun on New Year's Eve, well, you've got more problems than this column can solve, so there is no hope for you here." To a certain degree, he's right. If you can't have fun on the one night that is designed for just that then you ARE a bit of an asshole. Pretty much by definition. But FUCK THAT. If I want to be a whiny fucker on NYE then that is my prerogative. IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO. And in Lesley Gore's honor, I did. I bitched and moaned, trying to get my friend to let us stay at her lake house for the night. Well, that didn't work so I settled for the next best thing... a relatively chill night at a relatively relaxing bar, Butch McGuire's. Now, if you haven't been to Butch's then you're probably 18, a complete cock or hate Chicago. It is a pretty standard, almost cliché bar for white people with white collars and white gold watches. Regardless, it is also an Irish pub (real Irish folk included!!!) and pretty low key making me believe I won't hate myself too much for shelling out $80 for a ticket to go with my buddy Wheeler and some friends from college. OR I'll get pissy and start a fight with a bouncer. Either way, a win, win really.  He listens to Coldplay.But in that same way I have the option to be a moody bitch on NYE, I will demand complete compliance on New Year's Day. I don't want to hear that "you're too hung over" or "have work the next day". That is the beauty of NYD, drinking will CURE your hangover. You have to work the next day? Guess what? It's a Saturday!!! Plus, if you're a douche who has to work Saturdays, you can just leave at 10 p.m. after a solid day of boozing. Speaking of day boozing. Is there anything better? You drink when it's light out, usually hitting happy hour right when the money is starting to run low and have the option to stay out or go home and get an amazing 9 hours of drunk sleep. It's like Ambien but better for your liver!!! And that is why I expect to see you out with me on NYD, celebrating the New Year with some bloody Mary's, mimosas and maybe some illegal drugs. Oh, the glory that is NYD. See you out there, kids. Happy New Year. Dubs is a weekly contributor of TUP and the former editor of SlowBreaker. He can be reached at zach@slowbreaker.com. |
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New Years Eve is amateur hour. A bunch of people that never go out the rest of the year getting way too drunk, way too quick and getting all up in my face with it
Looking at the possibility of more than a few potential 8/8 teams making the NFL playoffs, all I can say is ...
... enough already!
If the league had even a hint of respectability, it would mandate that no team with less than a winning record be allowed to compete for the grand prize. If that means a couple of less playoff games in any given season, so be it.
No one can convince me that ANY .500 team is the best team in football, irregardless of whether or not they win three or four games in the post-season. Allowing sub standard teams to compete for a berth in the Super Bowl debases the value of the regular season, much in the same way that the Chicago Cubs make a mockery of Major League Baseball with annual regularity.
Happy New Year!
Since I've got the joint to myself:
I was pulling for the Wildcats today, and somewhat upset that they weren't able to pull off the miracle finish. (gutsy call BTW)
Then, while in search of a silver lining to assuage my disappointment, it occurred to me that Rick "no talent" Telander must be absolutely crushed.
That alone was enough to put a smile back on my face.
And another thing:
The Colts sitting their starters in the middle of the third quarter last week against the Jets has been talked to death. The only one without an opinion on the subject was the Commissioner.
Well ... he's finally decided to look into the matter, which usually means looking the other way. He said he wants ALL the games to be competitive. Right.
The fact is that by sitting their starters, for any reason other than a physical inability to play, is nothing more than throwing the game. It's that simple.
They might as well have said, "Win or lose, we don't care."
All the other teams that are fighting for that last playof slot along with the Jets, certainly care.
By throwing a game they could have won with Manning & Co. on the field, they unfairly changed the entire playoff picture. Tanking is the antithesis of sportsmanship.
Subbing in Painter wasn't intentionally losing the game, though. Essentially, it was. But not entirely.
Are you kidding me Bob. That poor guy was as green as they come, and facing a team that was playing for its post-season life.
They Colts might as well have just forfeited the damned game.
And if subbing in Painter was inconsequential to the outcome, why didn't the Jets reciprocate, and pull their starters too?