The Hybrid: James Van Der Beek Or Something Like It ("Down Goes Iowa!")

Be sure to check out Ricky's Bears post at FCP, too.

***


That quote, right there, makes me not want to be mad at anything. It's creator, Iowa LB Pat Angerer, probably wanted to give (too?) rabid fans some perspective. Gotta say, it worked.

Iowa's loss to Northwestern last week sucked because they didn't get the chance to redeem their early-game screw up. A severely sprained ankle doesn't heal over two quarters. The QB position is just so god damned important.

So Stanzi went down. And Iowa lost. And that was it. No more having to defend Iowa's schedule, no more worrying about Iowa fans sending anthrax to BCS headquarters, no more worrying, period. It's been a bit liberating.

More than any other sport, going undefeated in college football puts you, the fan, in a bunker which you can't really climb out of until a) the season ends with a championship, or b) your team loses. Most fans' seasons end with "b."

But if you're lucky enough to get "a," it's not party, either. You just have to stay focused on the week-to-week as bullets and bombs are flying all over the place. Looking ahead? Suffer an injury? Slow start on the road? Napalm death.

Every Saturday you survive becomes a small "X" on the big picture of everything. Rack up your 12 or 13 X's, and you get the cabin fever-style freak out of waiting a month for your team execute or be executed in the national title game with all eyes watching. And that's what it's all about. No petty consolation bowls, no moral victories. If you consider your team's program elite to elite-ish, than the national championship is all you should really care about, period.

But, remember, college football isn't war. Not actually.

Sure, March Madness or even the NFL playoffs have the one-and-done aspect to their respective systems, but even in those cutthroat creations, teams are still allowed moments of slippage in the regular season. But that's just not now college football works. Unless you're two-loss LSU and you somehow go to the national title. Or Florida, who lost at home last year, and got to go to the national title. I hate the SEC.

Anyway... when Stanzi went down and the loss set in, my thoughts immediately turned back to the last QB injury which ruined my life: Tom Brady's ACL tear that happened in the first hour of the 2008 NFL season. I remember some of the more hardcore fans in Boston were debating whether or not they'd personally choose to inflict Brady's catastrophic knee injury on themselves if it hypothetically could keep Brady's knee healthy. While a severely sprained ankle isn't on par with a destroyed ACL, the situations compared pretty favorably. Especially factoring in fan passion. I asked a few of the bigger Iowa fans I know if they would trade ankles with Stanzi, and here's what I got.

- "No."

- "No, and its not that I wouldn't take the bullet for Rick, but I think I'd be tempting fate if i did. So I suppose in some weird way I feel the team could be better off in the future (like during the bowl game or even next season) because they had to go through this period of Stanzi being injured."

- "Confused by the question." UPDATE: "Absolutely I would do it. I've been down that road before and I'm not afraid to go again. You play to win the game!"

Not totally unanimous. So maybe this season wasn't as life-or-death as originally suspected. Iowa's schedule looks a little easier next year, and the Hawkeyes do return a lot of key starters.

Don't misinterpret this as me saying "oh, it's cool Iowa lost, we'll be back, optimism!" No. Not at all. Losing totally sucked. Especially in the way it can mitigate kick ass moments from earlier in the season, like the MSU game. Iowa wins the national title, and that game is the stuff dreams are made of. Now, it's just a nice victory I'll remember for a while. But not the most epically contributed piece in the picture of absolute immortality. Too much hyperbole?

But sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Whether or not you agree with that last sentence really doesn't matter, though, because that's exactly what Iowa got.

As the script usually goes in real life and the movies, the focus now shifts to QB2: James Vandenberg. I did what I usually do when I when I'm unfamiliar with a college player -- I looked at his Rivals profile for basic information to help give me an arbitrary semblance of an idea of what he might maybe sort of kind of be like.

Stars? 3.
White/Black? White.
Height? 6'2''
Forty Time? 4.8
Style (Pro or Dual-Threat)? Dual-Threat
High School? Keokuk (Keokuk, Iowa)
Most Impressive School To Recruit Him Besides Iowa? Nebraska... or Michigan State

None of that's particularly discouraging. But still: first college football start, ever. Against Ohio State. On the road. I don't envy his position right now. He seems like he could be likable based on this antidote after the Northwestern loss.

Check out what happened to Hawkeyes backup quarterback James Vandenberg last Saturday, hours after he replaced the injured Ricky Stanzi in Iowa's 17-10 loss to Northwestern. Vandenberg and his dad went to a Bass Pro Shop in Altoona, Iowa, to buy Vandenberg a present for his 20th birthday.

From The (Cedar Rapids) Gazette:

"So I was up in Bass Pro Shop trying some waders on, some hunting waders. The [salesman] was like, 'Did you go to the [Iowa] game today?' I was like, 'Yeah,'" Vandenberg said. "And he said, 'Did it look as rough in person as it did on TV?' And I said, 'You have no idea.'"

Which reminds me...

Shops at Bass Pro Shop For "Waders"? Oh yes.

Best of luck, JV (Can I call you JV?), we'll all be rooting for you. And win or lose, I know I'll be about ten times more comfortable with the big picture of this season. There's just nothing to truly lose anymore.


12) Pittsburgh -- Might be a fun week against ND, but I wouldn't call their victory over the Irish a forgone conclusion.

13) Oregon -- You... you screwed up everything.

14) Miami (FL.) -- Thearon Collier's punt return against Virginia was so great. This was pointed out by ESPN highlight I watched: freeze this highlight at the :11 second mark. He is clearly boxed in by exactly seven Virginia defenders.

No matter... they can't contain. Then Miami's punt return team throws three consecutive killer blocks in the span of about two full seconds. Not just three decent blocks, killer mega awesome blocks. Collier then runs about 90 yards for the 61-yard touchdown. This play is easily one of the most fun plays of the year.

15) Houston
16) Utah

17) Arizona -- Pac Ten title buzz?

18) Penn State -- Well, they lost their two biggest games of the year. There is no chance for redemption. Absolutely no chance. And I was totally right about them. And really, I wish I wasn't. This team should be fun and exciting, but they're not. They pound bad teams, compete against decent ones, and lose to good/great ones. I just wish they had more of an Oregon element to them. If only they could somehow sacrifice some of their defensive prowess in order to get way awesome-er (word?) on offense. They'd be Pac Ten quality for sure if that could happen.

19) Oklahoma State

20) Wisconsin -- Lurker. Boring, boring lurker. Penn State, Wisconsin, and Iowa are why people hate the Big Ten.

21) Virginia Tech
22) Brigham Young
23) Oregon State
24) South Florida

25) West Virgina -- We'll see you Frid'y.


Friday Night Lights... West Virginia (25) at Cincinnati (5) -- Dare I call this my game of the week? It's because this week has bad games, but still.

Texas (3) at Baylor -- I know I've got my "any top-10 team on the road is potentially interesting" theory. But for this one? Nah.

Georgia Tech (7) at Duke -- I'm completely fixated on G-Tech being ranked 7th. Is their any possible way they crack the national title? Any? Well, no... no.

Michigan at Wisconsin (20) -- We need a name for these games that no one should watch but me.

Florida (1) at South Carolina -- Like I always say, ""any top-10 team on the road is potentially interesting."

In all seriousness, I would bet my life Florida wins this game. This is a much bigger knock on South Carolina's suck than Florida's good, though.

Stanford at USC (9) -- Why not?

Iowa (10) at Ohio State (11) -- Those numbers next to each other look so ugly, man! I cringed again when I saw it. This cannot be argued.

Alabama (2) at Mississippi State -- Florida-South Carolina II.

Utah (16) at TCU (4) -- I think this is the mainstream pick for game of the week. And that's a fair choice, too.

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh (12) -- This enters the Georgia Tech zone for game I'm inexplicably interested in. I always root against ND, but with the Irish totally slayed, I kind of want them to win this game. I have no idea why. Call it fatigue from all the Weis-should-be-fired! talk? Call it hatred and contempt for other ranked teams? It's one of those two.


Really, Big Ten? Ohio State as your champion... again?! I can't even grasp how terrible this conference is sometimes.


Every year, once my actual favorite teams have been eliminated from the national title picture (by, you know, losing just one game), my buddy Ryan and I create what we call the "College Football Bandwagon" which mostly consists of a list of all the undefeated BCS conference teams minus Notre Dame (and this year, Florida). The goal of the CFB is to fake feel good about yourself when your "team" makes the national championship. Plus it gives you invested rooting interests.

Per the tradition of Iowa losing its first game, Ryan gave me his bandwagon choices.

2009 Bandwagon...bout time.

1. Alabama

That's it. I refuse to get behind Florida and Texas or any of these other teams because they'll never get in.

Roll Tide!!!!!!!

I'm obviously on board with excluding Florida (as I've said all year), but really, why no Texas?

His response...

In no particular order:

George W. Bush
George (whatever his middle initial is) Bush
Dixie Chicks
Alan Jackson's song "God Blessed Texas"
2006 Alamo Bowl
Tim Duncan
Tony Parker
Manu Ginobili
Bruce Bowen (not as much now that he retired)
Gregg Popovich
Michael Crabtree (until he proves to be worth every penny)
Milton Bradley (via Tex...as Rangers)
Mark David Chapman (killed John Lennon)
Meat Loaf
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Drew Tate
and their inexplicable love for propane and propane accessories when charcoal is clearly the best way to grill a steak!

I could do this all day, but it's making me angry.

I'm on board with half of those reasons (who saw Mark David Chapman coming?), but I really don't mind the Spurs, I find Milton Bradley funny, and I'm really, really thinking that "King of the Hill" pushes things over the top. So Texas is in if you ask me, but since 'Bama is ranked higher right now anyway, it's sort of a moot point. And why not include those scrappy other teams until they at least lose? We need as many winners as we can get right now.

College Football Bandwagon 2009
1) Alabama -- WHOOOOO! We rule!


2) Texas (Don't tell Ryan... he could have also listed JFK)
3) TCU
4) Cincinnati
5) Boise State


I'm a long time reader of Shanoff, he's probably in my Top 5 online sportswriters, and he's usually the first thing I read every morning, but as a national columnist, his Florida bias has gotten out of control in recent years (most notably acknowledging no case for Michigan to play for the national title in '06 and creating TimTeblog.com in '09). We'll use this space to make fun of him when he says insane UF stuff which usually happens weekly.

An unfathomably clean week from him. First of the 2009 season.


Doc Saturday maintains his stranglehold on this section with...

- His "2009 Kind of Sucks" Post (Amen.)

- This should cheer up Iowa fans: Doc Saturday included the 2005 Capitol One Bowl ending in his "Best Plays of the Aughts" recap.

Oh wait, no he didn't. Oh well. Still, there's some great ones: Leinart to Jarrett! But really no Iowa? No Boise State? Hmmm.

- BHGP say they got this description from Doc Sat, but I think they worded it better... Description of the Week: "Rick Stanzi was the immovable block in the Hawkeye offense's Jenga tower."

- "R.I.P., Jenn Sterger's Boobs" (WithLeather)

- And finally, I'm painfully late on this, but Clay Travis wrote an incredible post about going to a wedding on a football Saturday ("When A Wedding Causes Football Separation"). It's got some words, but if you've got time, totally read it. Probably my favorite part (inside the church before the start of the wedding):

A grown man who shall remain nameless, but who does not have a BlackBerry or an iPhone pulls me aside when he sees me checking scores. "I hate Florida" he says.

I nod.

"Can you keep up with the game during the service?"

I nod again.

"Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off."

Welcome to a Southern wedding ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, SEC.



I just now realized something: I headlined this post with the James Van Der Beek/James Vandenberg names-sounding-the-same joke, but I completely whiffed on pointing out something that could have been great: Van Der Beek himself played a backup QB thrust into the fold when the starter (PAUL F'N WALKER!) went down in "Varsity Blues."

To make up for the fact that I didn't recognize this early enough to incorporate clumsily forced comparisons and jokes, we'll end this with Van Der Beek's most memorable one liner of all-time, ever, and forever.