Dubs Dread: The Jealous Fan

by Friends of the Program on November 20 at 12:48PM

BY DUBS

As a soon-to-be 25-year-old ~~virgin~~, hopelessly lost, single-white-male, I find myself phrasing everything in question form. Is this the right career path? (What career) Will moving back to my parents place really be that bad if I only do it for a few months? (Yes) Are condoms really that necessary? (Probably) Should I start dating like a normal human being or just get absolutely schmammered every weekend and hope something falls into my lap? (Schmammered)

I am not sure of anything anymore. That is why I recently turned to my favorite, non-Hemmingway penned, book Twenty Something by Iain Hollingshead-- to help me resolve these questions. It is about a guy, Jack Lancaster, who is pretty much me: a broken, self-loathing, recently-single, lost mess (except he is exceedingly wealthy. So fuck me, right?). When I was reading it I came across this:

"It's a curious powerful emotion, jealousy. I just can't put my finger on the aspect that bothers me the most. Is it the pure physical act? Am I worried that he was better than me? Is he bigger? Did he last longer?

Or is it the emotional theft that it was Valentine's Day and he was going through the emotions of making love to a former love of my life?"

And it got me thinking. Does this intense and focused type of jealousy apply to only women or other things as well? I muddled the words a bit to see if it applied to sports. I saw the first set of questions differently: Is it the pure physical act of winning? Why are they better than us every year? Do they have a higher payroll? Do they have more tradition/fans/media coverage? Next I changed "Valentine's Day" to "World Series" and "making love" to "winning" in the second paragraph. Then I thought about the Yankees.

It sure fucking does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In our case, as sports fans, we are not jealous of a former-lover, but of other fans' teams' success. We see organizations like the Yankees and the relationship they have with their fans and vice-versa. It looks great. It looks like true love. And you want that. You want to say, "we won." "Everybody knows us." "We are important too." You want their money, their media coverage, their pin-stripes. But you would never admit that. "They buy rings." "Their fans are obnoxious assholes." But it sure would be nice to to have their money and to be that obnoxious asshole. Just once. And you know it.

All of us are envious of something. Cubs fans are jealous of anyone who wins the World Series. For White Sox fans, it is the coverage the Cubs get. As Bears fans, it is usually a coach or type of system--just look how we blame Lovie's cover-2 or Turner's pussy calling. "Only if we had a spread passing attack. We wouldn't lose!!!" And that envy makes us hate the one's that have it. It's funny. The thing we want the most, is what makes us hate the people that do. Forever, it was a quarterback. "Fuck Favre. Fuck Packers." But that has changed a bit since Cutler has arrived. We have mellowed a bit in our hate. We are less jealous. That is until last Thursday.

Ugh.

But this doesn't only apply to other teams and their fan bases, but to our own as well. Jealousy is also why we hate "bandwagon fans":

"I know it's stupid and irrational, but the concept of Lucy and my best mate going out together seems to make a mockery of our own three-year relationship.

...

Did they lie around and chat afterwards? Was there pillow talk?... Did they share all our private little jokes together? Did she tell him our pet name for my penis? And how could she sleep with a ginger?"

Bandwagoners never took the time to pillow talk, find inside jokes and pet names. They went straight from nothing to fucking. They never had to hold her hair back when she threw up a 3-1 series lead in the NL Championship Series or hold her as she sold off her stars to start from scratch, relying on high school kids to lead the way or endure over 20 acts of infidelity (quarterbacks) since her previous boyfriend (Jim McMahon). It makes your time together--as team and fan--seem cheap. In the end, part of you hates her, your team, for letting it happen. But, deep down, you know there is nobody else to blame but yourself. You chose this path. And it hurts:

"That's the problem with being the dumper as opposed to the dumpee. You get all the pain of the loss and none of the empathy. It's all your fault."

***

Other things:

***

Cutler's mic'd up video. Awesome. Sad. But awesome.

Highlights:

- Discussing Michael Crabtree's cleats with Hanie.

- Cutler calling tails and Kreutz saying, "tails again?" Game was over before it began, apparently.

- His general chillness.

- "Matt [as in Forte], just keep running the ball." Which on its own is just laughable. However, it also begs another question. Is it bad/racist/douche-y that I find it weird his teammates call him "Matt". He just seems like a dude you would call "Forte" or "Shifty" or "Double Deuce" or something badass. Not Matt. That just seems wrong.

- "Plenty of time. I'm fine. I'm fine. Go back to work. Just give me the rock. Go back to work."

- I assume they cut out a lot of swearing from this video and dubbed over the broadcasters, because there is no way any human being doesn't blow some sort of gasket after throwing 90 picks in a game. Impossible.

*
Notre Dame. Meh.

*
Go get high. Like right now.... You high yet? Good. Now watch this video.

I know, right?

*

Oh, alma mater, how I love thee:

I got pwned in the comments section at Deadspin for this:

I am shocked he didn't bench the guy for a blacker reporter.

/Went to Miami (OH)
//Charlie hates the whites

I explained that I had white friends who quit because they felt Charlie Coles treated them differently than the black players. (On a side note, my intramural squad was sick. Three time champs, bitch). They still said I was crazy. Well, that was there. This is here. So fuck 'em. CHARLIE COLES IS A FUCKING RACIST AND HATES WHITE PEOPLE. There. I did it.

Now have a good weekend.

3 Comments | Leave a comment

Ashamed of Dubs | November 20, 2009 3:24 PM | Reply

Deep very deep, but Mr. Dubs I think you are a little lost because you are letting your failed love life get in the way of you common sport sense. It is the golden rule of men to keep the love life and sports life completely separate because we all know when they intertwine, it always causes trouble. Trying to find answers from sports for: why an ex hooked up with so many of your close friends, why you are so lost in your life waking up lonely everyday and having to result to prostitution to find any sort of relations(and yes spending hundreds of dollars buying shots for groups of girls hoping to get one drunk enough in my book is considered Prostitution b/c you are paying for sex) is just down right pitiful. Have you become so pathetic that you are comparing yourself to the Cubs organization? Are you jealous that others (Yankees) are paying a higher price for better ass b/c you are too cheap to buy from the top shelf? Today Dubs I am ashamed to be your friend b/c you have allowed yourself to stoop to ultimate low of allowing you ex to cloud your usually respectful sports opinion. Today you have reached rock bottom in you sport journalistic career by having an ex ruin the one thing that brings joy to your world, sports.

Dubs replied to comment from Ashamed of Dubs | November 20, 2009 5:09 PM | Reply

To be fair, this really is not about an ex at all. But a different way to look at why we hate the sports people we do.

Dubs | November 20, 2009 3:29 PM | Reply

And I just got pwnd.

Dubs Dread: The Jealous Fan

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