Dubs Dread: A Salute to Black Wednesday

by Friends of the Program on November 25 at 2:48PM

{Ed. Note: Hi friends. Here's Dubs column on Black Wednesday, a holiday I will not be celebrating because of worrrrkkkk. Everything sucks. Before (or after, whichever you prefer) you read this, make sure you check out my daily FCP post on Marian Hossa's return to the Blackhawks. -- Ricky}

UPDATE: Andruw Jones!? This is breaking as I type this, but my only thought is: Rios better be the every day center fielder, or I give up.

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BY DUBS

Sports are fun. But sports are exponentially more fun when you are shit-hammered. White Sox fans often give Cubs fans loads of crap for boozing at games with hot chicks (see how lame you sound?). But fuck that. Sox games are more fun drunk too. You all do it, so stop taking some high road of bullshit. It is sad. Plus, if you sit in the right section at the Cell, they bring booze TO YOU. And not just beer, but all kinds of wonderfully fruity and delicious drinks. I got obnoxiously drunk at a Cubs/Sox game at the Cell a few years back on four types of alcohol. FOUR. Not surprisingly, I did the math wrong with the tip and signed the wrong part of the tab because they EVEN LET YOU USE CREDIT CARDS. Fake money is substantially better than REAL money!!!

The point of this, besides for you to ignore my alcoholism, is that today is Black Wednesday and Black Wednesday means alcohol. LOTS AND LOTS OF ALCOHOL. Not just one kind of alcohol, but all kinds of alcohol. Embrace them all. Try new ones. Go back to old loves that spurned you. You have NOTHING TO LOSE. You don't have to work tomorrow. You don't have to take a test. You have turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing and gravy to eat. And that's it. Black Wednesday and Thanksgiving are designed FOR booze.

Some may say, "But, Dubs, I don't want to be hungover around my family." Shut the fuck up. You are a pussy. Get drunk and be fucking merry. Do something stupid. Fuck something random. Drink more than you have before. There are very few chances, especially when you are out of college, that you are allowed to be a complete drunk asshole. On Black Wednesday, IT IS EXPECTED OF YOU. It is like St. Paddy's day, without green puke and awesome food!!!

NOW GO DRINK UP, ASSHOLES!!!

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Other things:

Moments in my life that have made me think I may be an alcoholic (in no particular order):

- Getting arrested twice in 9 hours for booze related actions.

- Waking up in an empty apartment--no furniture, people, utensils, nothing--without a wallet or recollection of how I got there.

- Puking, not in a bar, but ON a bar.

- Pissing, not in a bar, but ON a bar.

- Thanking a bouncer for "politely" kicking me out of a bar.

- The other time I got arrested.

- Waking up with one half of my face bigger than the other (on a few occasions). AKA being Jimmy Clausen'd in the face.

- Hanging out with Ricky outside of the Sun-Times.

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I guess it is about time:

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Happy Thanksgiving.

2 Comments | Leave a comment

Dubs | November 25, 2009 3:39 PM | Reply

PS bar crawl starting at McGee's at 8pm if you would like to join.

Barney Stinsen | November 25, 2009 8:45 PM | Reply

AFTER READING THIS I WANT NEY I NEED TO PARTY, thank you mysterious awesome writer. This one is for you (i am holding up a cold one)

Dubs Dread: A Salute to Black Wednesday

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