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Things to Read: 10/21 + a new column from Dubs

by Ricky O'Donnell on October 21, 2009 at 4:00PM

Send tips to rickhouse@blogsbyfans.com. And don't forget about my Mariotti takedown below.

Sports Guy: Simmons and Klosterman podcasts are always a must listen.

Page 2: An excerpt from Klosterman's new book.

MLB Trade Rumors: White Sox offseason outlook.

i94Sports: Week 6 NFL Power Rankings.

The Baseline: Shoals dishes out his NBA predictions.

Blog-a-Bull: Matt gets the Tyrus Thomas bitching started a bit early this year.

The New Republic: Buzz Bissinger takes on "Moneyball". You probably don't want to read this. It can't be healthy.

Pic o' the Day

http://www.tremendousupsidepotential.com/img/thunderdurantchillbros.jpgFrom BDL. Again.

Since nobody likes my slightly snobbish tastes in contemporary rock music, there is no music video after the jump. Instead, you get a column from Dubs. Ha! Take that, jerks.

Dubs - with a column so profane that we have to hide it (TUP is classy now, you see), after the jump...


In all my blogging guile and outward dickheadedness, I am actual a pretty chill guy. Not a lot gets to me and I usually handle things with a smile, pat on the back or shot of Jameson. However, if something grinds my gears, it REALLY grinds my gears... like a lot. Thus, I present my new column that I will try to do more than once, but no promises, Fuck you, a column by Dubs

1. My team losing close games

Fuck you, Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Win a game that matters. Just one. It's not that mind blowing. My Saturdays are ruined by your ineptitude to win a single game that means something to me and the ND fan base. Every school considers the Irish a rival, but you know the only two games that mean anything to us Irish fans are? Michigan and USC. FAIL. AND. FAIL.

On a side note, fuck you, Pete Carroll. You are way to fucking cavalier about everything. We get it, you're a cool cat that doesn't need to prove anything ever again. You get twelve blue chip recruits for every position every year. You are like the Joe Torre of college football. You are going nowhere. But please stop the whole So Cal chillax thing. It is really pissing the rest of us off. Dick.

Fuck you, Chicago Bears


2. Brett Favre

For a Chicago sports blog TUP has had a ridiculous amount of content about Brett Favre,--like an insane, almost Swim Fan-creepy amount of shit about Mr. Heplayslikeakid--even when the topic has literally nothing to do with the insufferable douche. He has become to TUP what Ozzie Guillen (and apparently Jay Cutler) is to Jay Mariotti, what Hat Guy was to FJM. The writer's perceived evil character, true or not, well thought out or not, also defines the writer because the evil figure becomes part of the said writers' pen early and often. So in an effort not to rock the USS TUP, I will now discuss Brett Favre and some of the people that make him exponentially worse.

Fuck you, Sears:

Look what those bastards did:

Not for what you think. Well, maybe a little. I fucking hate that Favre is still marketable to Americans. HE FUCKED WITH YOUR SOULS, AMERICA. You should want him dead, not selling you TVs. The fucker even rubs it in your face. "OH, I CAN MAKE FUN OF MY WAFFLING, HOW ENDEARING. SEE I AM NOT SUCH A BAD GUY." Yes you are, Brett. Yes you are.

What makes it worse is that the guy in the commercial selling him TVs is a member of Chicago's Second City and he is fucking funny. Now I can't look at him without seeing Brett "Goddamn" Favre. This is not fair. This is not cool. This is some bullshit. Give me back my sketch comedy stars, Brett. You have already taken my love for the NFL.

Fuck you, Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf:

Drew has got me covered:

I thought those two were fairly restrained during the first half. Then the second half arrived and it all went to shit. As Laremy points out, you will NEVER make it through a Vikings telecast this year without closeup shots of Favre throwing up both hands and smiling, and then going to hug his teammates, followed by the word FUN used in many various iterations. And you won't make it out without the analyst telling you that last throw by Brett Favre PROVED that he's still got it.

I literally watched two minutes, two minutes, (two minutes) of the Vikings-Ravens game on Sunday and walked into that exact shot and commentary. I changed the channel immediately, not to return out of spite and pure unadulterated anger. Later on that day, after my second dose of xanax and third nap, I found out Baltimore came back and had a shot to win the game!! Only to miss a last second field goal (balls). I'm glad I missed that. I mean that Saints game that I was forced to watch out of fear of grown men blowing their loads on national TV over another grown man with a grey scrubby beard was just the best!!! How I long for 17 point half time leads!!!

3. Douchebag beer drinkers

Fuck you, meatdick beer drinker

I hate asshats that call other dudes "fags" or "pussies" or some other effeminate body part or hygiene product because of the drink in their hand. Many drinks may appear to be less than manly, yet serve very important and life altering purposes. I took the time to discuss this over at Deadspin where I now go under the commenting name When_you_get_the_money_you_get_the_Micah_Hoffpauir:

I too have gotten shit for my taste in the presumably slightly gayer version of fruit-flavored beer--hard cider. I find that a Woodchuck Amber Cider is comparable to what I imagine Tim Tebow's blood tastes like. Pure Jesus-y good. I implore you to find a better cure to any hangover, regardless of how Christopher Reeve-life-debilitating it may seem at the time. It is like apple juice with alcohol!!! You kick the shakes while tasting your childhood. Put it in a sippy cup and you are like a toddler before nap time!!! WHERE'S MY FUCKING BLANKEY!!!

This, of course, applies to all drinks of questionable man-itude... unless you drink pina coladas, then you're just a gay.

Fuck you, snobby beer drinker

For every meatdick beer drinker, there are like 20 million snobby fuckers that won't partake in a Busch Light at a tailgate because it undermines their porcelain delicate palate. But what makes them horrible people is that they MUST let you know how much better their beer is to yours. ìOh, you're drinking Coors Light. They don't even double filter the hops. This beer here, Douchencockle, is from the Netherlands where the water is run through the clitoris of 1,000 virgins before it mixes with hops that were hand planted by monks with literal green thumbs. Nothing is as classy or pure as Douchencockle.î Awesome. Enjoy your thirty dollar six pack and leave me the fuck alone as I pound this Natty Light into oblivion.

Quote to summarize everything so I don't have to tie anything back together:

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!

4 Comments | Leave a comment

Hiding me, huh? I feel like Anne Frank, but worse.

HAHAHAHAHA. Anne Frank jokes are always funny.

I don't root for either team, but I find it funny you dislike Caroll for his cavalier attitude when Weis is the one who thinks he's smarter than everybody else. Neither as good as Urban Meyer.

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