Top 6 Funny Things About Jay Cutler

With all of this "moody crybaby" vs. "franchise savior" talk regarding the new starting QB for the Chicago Bears, people are totally dismissing maybe the most important quality about Jay Cutler: he's really, really funny.

Obviously, a lot of it comes unintentionally -- but that's just fine. Take comedy where you can get it. With that said, here's a top six list about Chi-Town's new gunslinger.

6. The Arm Strength/John Elway Controversy

When it comes to launching footballs, Jay Cutler isn't shy about his ability:

"I have a stronger arm than John Elway, hands down. I'll bet on it against anybody's in the league. Brett Favre's got a cannon. But on game days, there's nobody in the league who's going to throw it harder than I am at all."

I hope I don't have to tell you that everyone in Denver totally (probably) freaked out about that quote. You just don't compare yourself to John Elway! It's heresy!

I don't understand what the big deal was -- he never said he was a better QB. He just compared one, small aspect of their games and said his was better. It'd be like if Cedric Benson had said he was a better juker than Walter Payton; I'm sure no one in Chicago would be mad. Hell, I'd pay $5 cash advance just to hear Matt Forte say anything. Are we sure he's not a robot?

Maybe we can compromise and get Derrick Rose to admit he has a much better 3/4ths court shot than MJ ever did. Noooooo!!!!

5. Peyton Manning Hatches A Plan To Kill Cutler At The Pro Bowl By Sending Goons To Drown Him In Pool

Well, sort of. I'll let the Denver Post tell it (via WithLeather, emphasis theirs):

[S]uddenly the Broncos' quarterback had 300-pound Nick Mangold pushing from one side, 310-pound Kris Dielman holding the other and his cellphone swindled into the hands of a coy Peyton Manning.

Cutler's radar had gone up, but he never had a chance. Splash! [...] Great fun. Big laughs. There was just one problem. Cutler is a Type 1 diabetic, and in his pocket was his blood-sugar monitor ... The monitor was fried by the chlorinated water...

"It was a bad audible on our part," Manning said. "I think we were thinking right, trying to get the cellphone. Then we realize, the guy gets insulin shots. We missed that."

Peyton comes off as the real star here as he treats his quotes about the prank like he's doing a post-game press conference. But still, none of this would be possible without the Chicago's new QB1.

If all this wasn't enough, the Denver Post ran that quote in a story with the headline "All is going swimmingly for QB, pranks for asking."

Wow.

4. Jay Cutler Is Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler actually has the same name as Jay Cutler, a 35 year-old professional body builder from Massachusetts. I was blindsided by this information the last few times I've tried to write about QB Jay Cutler because the Google Image search actually features bodybuilder Cutler in seven of its top eight images for the name.

To make matters better, he looks like this:

He seems pretty cool, actually. He has a workout DVD called "Jay Cutler -- From Jay to Z" which scores immediate points with me for the probably accidental Jay-Z reference.

3. What Rick Morrissey Wrote About Him Following The Trade

To be honest, I never read a whole lot of Rick Morrissey prior to all of this Jay Cutler drama, but as the whole ordeal played out, he really rose to the top as Chicago's bastion of anti-Cutler opinion. The whole thing crested quite nicely with this gem Fanhouse found in one of his columns from April 3 (emphasis mine):

If Jay Cutler doesn't raise red flags, Bears fans, you are color blind. From all appearances and indications, he has the maturity level of larva.

...The Bears on Thursday traded their first- and third-round picks this year, their first-round pick next year and Kyle Orton to the Broncos in exchange for Cutler, a 2009 fifth-round pick and a six-pack of baby formula.

My college roommate was color blind, and I'm sure he'd be really offended by that lead (not really). But still, larva? Baby formula? Mainstream media wonder why people turn to blogs, and it's for reasons like this lame duck column.

I understand that the printed word has to differ from conversational speak, but seriously, who talks like this?

On Friday, I'm guessing he will say he's ecstatic about the Bears and deep-dish pizza.

This is exactly the kind of steely resolve you want in your huddle, isn't it?

Rick, dude, we get you don't like the trade. What did you want Cutler to say at his presser?

On the upside (tremendous upside), Morrissey seems to think Cutler is fast, or something.

"I really didn't want this. I love Denver. I really like my teammates. I didn't want it to get this far." [Cutler said]

This has to be a land-speed record for revisionist history.

Haha.

2) The South Park Appearance

While Cutler's appearance on South Park in 2007 didn't actually feature his voice, Stan's reaction to meeting him a party wasn't exactly childlike starstruck: "Nice to meet you. I mean, you kinda suck, but my dad says you might be good some day."

Cutler took the whole thing in stride.

"It was cool. I thought it was funny. They can make fun of me if they want to."

Probably cried himself to sleep.

1) "You Know"

This list was supposed to be a top five-er until I read a TUP comment from 'Mike' this morning which led me to an incredible ESPN interview ("Jay Cutler Ready To Play For Bears") where Cutler breaks the land-speed record for using "you know" in a 1:45 minute interview.



Seriously. I counted while watching, and he clocked in with around 28 -- all in a span of 105 seconds.

I've crunched the numbers, and he's averaging one "you know" every 3.75 seconds. That would put him at approximately 960 if the interview was an hour long.

He's already rewriting the record books.

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But yeah: welcome to Chicago, Jay. This whole thing is starting to feel pretty real.

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Extras...
Congrats to MSU on making the NCAA title game. I found myself rooting for them as they trailed UConn at points in the first half of the Final Four (do we capitalized that?) game. To squash my unexpected allegiance, I just kept trying to picture the Calhoun press conference. It did a good job of keeping me on the UConn side for a while, but, ultimately, it's cool to see State in the finals. But if MSU wins, I don't want any of those lame stories about how they are helping to "heal" Detroit. Jay Mariotti wrote one already, and he's an idiot.