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The Perfect Gift for the Displaced/Confused/Color Blind Celtics Fanby Bradwell on April 14 at 4:47PM
I like fitted hats. I like the way they shape my head, protect my eyes from the sun and make me look mildly urban and hip (like Turtle from Entourage, not Ricky during in the mid-90s). So with a little free time this afternoon, I found my way over to HatLand.com. I've only ordered from the site two or three times, but I have fun checking out their New Era custom jobs (which range from brilliant graphical redesigns to bizarre and tacky monstrosities for every occasion). If you clicked on the link, you saw on the front page the featured line of hats, The Celtics Hardwood Clover. This hat fascinates me. I know that most of HatLands' customers are probably more concerned with the fashion aspect of fitted hats than supporting a team, and team hats in unrelated colors is nothing new...still, I wonder about the ambiguous rooting loyalties of some of the people buying these hats. Some speculation below.  Raised in Oakland, this hat's buyer is 28-years-old with a third grade education. Having never applied himself in elementary school, and lacking any modicum of self awareness, he has never heard of or been to "Golden State." He has however seen Good Will Hunting on TNT several times, and likes the way the characters talk.  Ideal for the hoops fan born and raised in Bodymore, but unwilling to consider a team that plays in DC local. Also appeals to sideline groupies proud of their Irish heritage and interested in being sodomized by Tony Siragusa.  A die hard Hawks fan in the late 60s and early 70s, dismayed by years of losing, this guy switched his loyalties to the Celtics during the Larry Bird, Robert Parish, etc. years, but wishes to represent his roots. He almost switched back to the Hawks during the first round of last years playoffs, but the Celtics prevailed. This Benedict Arnold shitbird loves the Philadelphia Phillies, but because his mother spent the duration of her pregnancy doing crystal meth behind WaWa dumpsters, he roots for the Celtics instead of the Sixers. Shit was bitter back in the day. (I am perfectly aware that this hat equally resembles the Cubs road hats that were discontinued before this season, but did you really think I was going to make it through a whole post without mentioning Philadelphia?)
 My personal favorite, this suits not only the Heat-hating-Dolphins fan, it's ideal for the consumer trying desperately to find a fitted hat to match the Coffee Black jersey he won off eBay. |
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Colors > words.
And that's not an actual picture of me from the mid-90's because during the mid-90's I was 8.
I am sort of concerned for the females on that e-bay page!
Would a lonely fella like Newt Gingrich expect to get the female in the package along with the Coffee Black jersey?
I feel like Newt Gingrich gets enough action on the side that he doesn't to order his women online. Oh, now I'm picturing it. Instant regret.
Is it just me or am I the only person who hates everyone who wears those straight-rim, crazy decorated backwards/sideways gay hats. Those people are either trash or the biggest douches in the world, but usually both.
http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/1099/db8007ue1.jpg
I love a fresh flat-billed fitted, but there's no denying that a huge majority of fitted wearers are huge douches.
I think fitted hats make it really easy to amplify ones preconceived personality. For example:
Ja Rule - Huge douche, made more douchey in a fitted
http://www.myspacedouchebags.com/Images/Wallpapers/12.jpg
but
Talib Kweli - Sick on the mike, social activist, political radical, all around bad mother fucker, even cooler in a fitted
http://z.about.com/d/rap/1/0/8/D/-/-/Talib.jpg