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Out of Context Statsby Bradwell on April 7 at 1:12AM
Statistics are fun. They're indicative of value, constantly changing, highly debatable and Joe Morgan hates them. What's not to like? With 24 of the 30 Major League teams playing their first games, we've got all sorts of goofy one-game stats too ogle at. But like Claire Waddington's underdeveloped freshman chest, these stats are in no way indicative the changes her body will undergo by graduation when she'll be packing air bags of glory under the jumper and giving squeezers outside of CYO dances. With that in mind, here's a list of my favorites from today (and if you ever meet Claire Waddington, wash your hands after shaking hers).  Starters ERA Under 2.00 Derek Lowe - 0.00 Felix Hernandez - 1.13 Kevin Millwood - 1.29 Carlos Zambrano - 1.33 Paul Maholm - 1.35 Johan Santana - 1.59 Hiroki Kuroda - 1.59 Aaron Harang - 1.80  Starters ERA Over 10.00 CC Sabathia - 12.46 Cliff Lee - 12.60 Brandon Webb - 13.50 John Lannan - 18.00 Justin Verlander - 19.64 Aaron Cook - 23.14  Relievers ERA over 10 Phil Coke - 10.80 Jesse Crain - 13.50 Danny Herrera - 13.50 Doug Slaten - 13.50 Scott Schoeneweis - 13.50 Julian Tavarez - 18.00 Wil Ledezma - 18.00 Tyler Yates - 27.00 Juan Rincon - 27.00 Jason Motte - 36.00 Chris Ray - 54.00 Brian Bruney - 54.00  Slugging % Over 1.300 Matt Kemp 1.333 Franklin Gutierrez - 1.333 Ken Griffey Jr - 1.333 Chris Iannetta - 1.333 Johnny Damon - 1.333 Adam Lind - 1.400 Emilio Bonifacio - 1.400 Chad Tracy - 1.500 Jorge Cantu - 1.500 Adam Dunn - 1.500 Jordan Schafer - 1.667 Tony Clark - 2.000 Felipe Lopez - 2.000 Hanley Ramirez - 2.000 A few times throughout the season I'll check in with these players as the stats normalize. Let's say once next week, once in a month and a few more times after that until I forget about or get bored with this wholly meaningless exorcise. I might update this list tomorrow to reflect players from the other six teams, or I might get faced at the Sox's home opener and wake up on a bus in Bronzeville making out with an equally trashed Sox fan that I wish had Claire Waddington's supple bosom. Either way, I win. |
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I have no idea who Claire Waddington is.
That said, if Dunn OPSes over 1.000 this year I'll cry into her bosom all winter.