Your White Sox-Rayz ALDS preview

I feel like we have a lot of hate here at TUP. Here’s a quick rundown:

To hell with….    

- the Cubs
- Brett Favre
- the Metrodome
- the Miami Heat’s marketing department
- white people
- Mike Downey
- Cedric Benson
- Dan Shanoff
- the Cubs
- Brett Favre
- the Metrodome

In turn, we strongly support Viktor Khryapa.

But now the TUP community faces its toughest task yet: hating the most likable team on planet Earth, the Tampa Bay Rayz. Their team is fast and young. They embrace the mohawk. They employ very few white people. Simply put, the Rayz’ from last-to-first triumph has been baseball’s best story all season. Good thing the White Sox are about to shit all over it.



- What’s up with Joe Maddon’s glasses? Is he coaching baseball in that dugout or reading a Chuck Klosterman book? Listen up Joe: Weezer hasn’t put out a good album since 1996. In turn, those skinny, dark rimmed glasses just aren’t cool anymore.

-  According to Ballhype, the third most influential Rayz blog on the internet is “Her Rays”. Are you trying to tell me women can analyze sports while simultaneously making dick jokes? Good one. Besides, shouldn’t they be busy making dinner? Clearly, blogging is a job that should only be handled by big, tough men, like myself.

Jesus, girls blogging. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, right? Next thing you know they’ll want to vote.

- So the Rayz wanted do something fun. Something for the kids. They decide to make a cartoon mini-series featuring Rayz players as super heroes and play it on the Jumbotron at home games. Awesome. Who could possibly argue with that?

And then you find out who the villain is. His name is Dr. Stat. Yes. Dr. Stat. The Rayz hate VORP so much that they pretend it's Bowser. Fire Joe Morgan called the cartoon a low point in Western Civilization. They are not exaggerating.

When the series gets back to The Cell- with the White Sox sporting a 2-0 lead, naturally- the Sox should fight fire with fire. Someone get Brooks Boyer on the phone and tell him to make a Jim Thome cartoon, it can look something like this, and nickname him Professor OPS+. In this cartoon, Professor OPS+ goes around beating the shit out of morons who think batting average is the best way to evaluate a baseball player. His powers can even be adjusted for era and ballpark.

- Jason Bartlett was voted team MVP. He OPS'd .690. That is both a fact and my punchline.

- Cliff Floyd guaranteed the Rayz are going to win the World Series. Cliff fucking Floyd. Sorry, but I take guarantees seriously from guys who used to platoon with Matt Murton.

Prediction: Sox in 3. Boo-ya.