Dubs likes the Hawks...again...for now

So this showed up in my inbox today, saying "post if u want or not". If Dubs is good enough for Deadspin, I suppose he's good enough for TUP. Plus it's probably good to get some hockey stuff up, since I still haven't been able to watch a full Hawks game yet. Just judging by what the box scores though, it looks like they still need a goalie. NBA things coming later.

BY DUBS

I spent a large amount of my youth in hockey arenas. I myself did not play hockey, but my younger brother did and this meant that I would be dragged to different hockey tournaments and practices all year round. I spent countless hours in cold-ass buildings as far south as Johnny’s Ice House off of Madison St. (ironically as far south as I let myself travel to this day in fear of death) and as far north as Fucking Toronto*, CN. My life was neatly woven into my brother’s hockey career.

For a kid who was dangerous on skates**, I became uniquely invested in the sport and attended as many Blackhawks games that a 12-year-old could. I even witnessed the final game at the Old Chicago Stadium. Fucking Maple Leafs. Your mascot is a leaf. Oh no, a stiff breeze, you might blow away. Seriously is there a weaker mascot? Pussies.

However, when my brother gave up hockey and pursued golf, my interest in the Hawks faded with the departure of Eddie and Jeremy (was it just me or did the 90’s Hawks remind you of Pearl Jam? Just me, OK, moving on). My years of following the Hawks and hours of playing NHL ‘94 were soon replaced by something that I had never felt before – the overwhelming urge to try and sleep with (touch the boobies of) as many girls as would regrettably let me. Underage girls became my life. They replaced my urge to see a sweet hockey fight or a redirected slap shot from the blue line hit nylon. My love of hockey was replaced by my love of developing breasts and brace-free teeth. A new life had begun for me. A life best documented here.

However, something has changed over the past year. I have again become interested in the Hawks. It started out so innocently when my friend Wheeler and I stayed in on a Friday night (gasp, shock and awe) just to watch a meaningless Hawks game. It then developed when it was announced that the Hawks were to play at Wrigley on New Years Day. I even contemplated buying season tickets in the shitty upper deck (it might have been the first time my nose bled from something not cut by a credit card). My interest spiked even more the when the Hawks actually spent money and signed Cristobal Huet and the Matt Murton of Hockey Brian Campbell.

But something has decidedly made me a fan. To be honest, it had nothing to do with anything on the ice (lets be serious, the Hawks have been pretty much, eh, thus far) but off – Adam Burish was a bodyguard on The Jerry Springer Show!!! Has an athlete in any sport, in any era ever done something so fucking cool??? I. THINK. NOT. This is on par with Jonas Falk finding the vaccine for polio or the day Jeff Blauser dies.

I officially have a man-crush on Mr. Burish and am comfortable saying it. Sure, I have had many baseball man-crushes (I’m looking at your sweet ass Hoffpauir) but never for hockey. I mean have you ever smelled a hockey players bag? It smells like a vagina stuffed with a three day old uncooked chicken breast. But this move by Burish has given me reason to see beyond his aforementioned bag smell and slicked backed, Italian douche-clown hair. He is in my heart now and for it I am now a Hawks fans again…for now.

In honor of the 90’s Hawks, here is Jeremy by Pearl Jam (ed note.: I've always thought Pearl Jam kind of sucks so the vid gets a linked, not embedded) .

* Name pending Canadian Senate approval.

** I could not stop for the life of me. This meant skating as fast as I could into the boards or if you were an unlucky passerby, you.