Dubs Bears predictions

but first a quick reminder to sign up for the TUP NFL Pick'em league. The User ID is 58308 and the password is Chicago. I'll say it now though, no one is topping Mike's name.

Also guys, watch this. I think it's worth your time.

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Here are Dubs' Bears predictions. Don't worry, I'm posting over them immediately.

As many of you know baseball is my thing. Football is a nice proxy until spring training rolls around. For me it’s kind of like your college best friend’s high school best friend who’s visiting for the weekend. He’s cool-y and funny-ish, but you are still unsure of his country-redneck ways or popped color(s). Something’s off about this weekend friend, but more importantly something’s missing. You just don’t share the same experiences and retarded inside jokes as you do with your best friend. This statement is never truer as when the two of you are left in a room by yourselves. Deafening silence and awkward exchanges of the remote is guaranteed to follow.

 

“You pick.”

“No, you can. I really don’t care.”

 

Saying that, here are my 2008 Bears predictions:

 

1. I can only imagine Adewale "The God of Iron" Ogunleye trying to explain to his grandfather back in Nigeria about the game of football:

 

Adewale: So one guy throws a giant odd shaped soccer ball to….

 

Grandfather (in Mustafa voice): Wait. What’s it made out of, again?

 

Adewale (shaking head): Pig, grandfather.

 

Grandfather (in Mustafa voice): You can eat that, right? I’m hungry. Go kill me a gazelle.

 

 

Dubs predicts Ogunleye will spear 7.5 quarterbacks, making him an above average hunter of this elusive beast. He will be celebrated, but not rewarded for his hard work at the annual fire dance.

 

2. The Bears defense has been as brittle as Mr. Glass from Unbreakable. Both in allowing teams to crush them after talking shit like Drago from Rocky IV, (two movie references in back-to-back lines, WTF?) and in the health department. The Bears D loves to get hurt. It’s like their thing, or something.

 

 

Dubs predicts Mike Brown (obvi), Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs and Tommie Harris all go down with season ending injuries (or in MB’s case, career ending) on the same play. This play will be on week five against the Lions at 8:15 in the third quarter. Fucking fake grass.

 

3. Kyle Orton is married. That is wrong on so many levels. Mostly, now that the creature has been tamed, Robbie-fucking-Gould has become the biggest-fucking-partier on the team. Is that sad to no one else? He’s the fucking kicker. The Bears need Lattimer from The Program to give this team a bit more street cred. Nothing says “badass” like than breaking a car window with your forehead.

 

Dubs predicts Gould ends up with a baby-mama by December and Orton’s neck-beard throws for 20 TDs. Strangely, Orton throws only 15.

 

I guess at the end of the weekend, your best friend’s friend becomes part of the family now that the three of you have your own inside jokes and semi-homoeroticisms. It’s the same with football. I will come to accept it as one of my own, allowing it into my inner circle. See you in a couple weeks for Blackhawks predictions!