"I Hate Everybody!" - Act I

Potentially a new regular late-night Wednesday feature in these here parts... It's kind of list-y so I figured most of you would probably dig that...or not...whatever.

I worked the night shift tonight, starting around 4 p.m. I spent the first three hours mistakenly eager for Sox-Twins. Yeah, and even though I was watching the game on ESPN GameCast, I had a pretty good vibe about what was going on.

The usual dome-infused suck.

Twins: White, crafty, hustle, buzzwords, fast(er than the White Sox, at least), great fundamentals, scrapping together runs, making the most of their pitching performances

Sox: Wasting a gem, blowing opportunities, ravaging any opportunity with runners in scoring position, messing up on defense (A.J. might need to be arrested at some point), being slow, being slower, being slowest (Paul Konerko is doing his damndest to Men In Black memory erase my recollection of the 2005 playoffs), maybe causing Hawk to kill himself in the booth  

I got home during the top of the 7th, and watching on TV was no different than watching on GameCast -- except I got to hear the lousy delight and excitement of the Metrodome crowd.

While the Sox were getting curb stomped in the 9th, I couldn't stop thinking about this one Chris Rock stand-up from back in the day. Rock's probably my favorite stand-up comedian -- either him or David Cross -- and his hatred of everybody seemed pretty applicable to watching the Twins team and their fans enjoy themselves on TV.

So, for the first installment of "I Hate Everybody!":

The Minnesota Twins

As much as I hate the Cubs -- and believe me, it. is. a. ton. -- at least they have a few cool players. D-Lee, Ted Lilly, Alfonso Soriano, and the immortal Henry Blanco come to mind. The Twins? BAH!

5) Joe Mauer: Turned down a football (the greatest sport ever) scholarship to play QB at Florida State where he could have cheated, partied with co-eds, and maybe won six or seven games a year, to go to the MLB draft. If he hadn't have gone #1 to the Twins, his other team would have been... oh yes, you know it... the Cubs! Gross, gross, gross. Now? He hits for average and will be the cornerstone of that franchise for the forseeable forever.

4) Justin Morneau: Seems like a nice guy, but he robbed J.D. of the MVP the year the Sox won 90+ games and didn't make the playoffs. The funny thing was that all year, people kept debating between Ortiz and J.D. yet somehow, small market Morneau was able to do it. Minus hate for making this commercial.

3) Fundamentals: We get it. They play baseball the right way. Is it so wrong to like home runs (see: White Sox) or players that don't hustle (see: Alfonso Soriano)? I'm sorry I'd rather watch Soriano at 80% than Reed Johnson at 110.

In all seriousness, I get that bunts, base stealing, and hit-and-runs are the only way these guys can be good, but it's like they never have down years. How the hell did Gomez become an impact player so quickly?!

They're like the MLB's version of USC -- minus every element of cool. Oh, and championships. Actually, they're pretty much the polar opposite of USC.

2) Racist conspiracy?: Hmmm, I notice that Torii Hunter and Johan Santana were sent packing, but I believe white Joe Nathan white was white re-signed. I know everybody can't get fat contracts, but still... little fishy, Minnesota.

1) The Metrodome: It's been addressed before, but someone, legitimately, has to destroy that stadium before 2009. 

Saving face: Ron Gardenhire (he always seems pissed off... it's great. Oh, and I guess he does that whole managing thing pretty decently, too.)

Solidifying my position: Boof Bonser (get a real name!) / Employed Lew Ford (the whitest baseball player of the modern era)... though he now plays in Japan, so that's some solace / Nick Punto (get fucked!)
Random picture I game across while google-ing stuff for this post: Is it me, or does Ozzie's right eye follow you around the room, Mona Lisa-style? It's freaky.


Anyway...

The bottom line: We -- and by "we," I mean me and Rickhouse, at least -- all said we'd be cool with the Sox losing two of three as long as they got that one game. So tomorrow needs to be that one game. Was today a potential sign that the Sox are bridging the gap? Well, maybe, but if you're going to be pessimistic, you could point out the mega-depressing fact that the Twins' Game 1 output alone would beat the Sox in this series so far.

Let's make it happen, Pretty Boy.