Mocking Rick Morrissey, FJM-style

In all my years of blogging, I have yet to give a column the FJM treatment. But with a slow period of Chicago sports upon us (All-Star Game: meh), I feel the time is right.

Upset alert: it’s not Mariotti. There has been some discussion on this site in the past about the relative suckiness of Mariotti, a guy who I don’t like, but also don’t hate as much as some people. Columnists are supposed to have opinions, but a lot of them don’t. Bash Jay all you want, but at least he has something to say. Now, of course, as I believe Stompy pointed out earlier, his White Sox bias is real and completely ridiculous. For that, the man is a dickfore, and a bad journalist. Still, I’d rather read him than Mike Downey (puke) or (maybe?) Rick Morrissey, who is about to get shredded.

And, for the record, that’s not just because I work for the Sun-Times. The Trib’s Bulls coverage is definitely better (though it’s not as sweet without Sam Smith), and David Haugh covers the Bears as well as any writer in the city. But I would say I prefer the Sun-Times’ sports section over the Trib’s. (Though the Trib fights back with one of the buissness sections in the country. The Sun-Times, yeah, we have a monkey.)

Now onto Rick Morrissey who wrote something stupid so let’s all make fun of him.

Crede is no A-Rod ... thank goodness
Rick Morrissey
In the wake of the news

Writers don't create their own headlines, but this headline leads one to believe that Mr. Morrissey is about to argue that Joe Crede is a better baseball player than Alex Rodriguez. Also: only Mike Clark can use ellipses. We should all know that by now.

NEW YORK -- Sitting at a table amid a gob of reporters and cameramen, Alex Rodriguez was talking about his life, which might or might not include Madonna, who, by the way, might be using Jewish mysticism to brainwash A-Rod into thinking the two are "soulmates," according to friends of Rodriguez's estranged wife, as reported by the New York Daily News, which keeps track of these things.

A journalism teacher once told me that the lead paragraph of a story should be around 35 words long, which I thought was extremely excessive. Morrissey leads here with 64 words. Moving on…

"Look, everyone has distractions, everyone goes through personal issues," Rodriguez was telling the gathered media Monday. "Mine are on the front page of the papers."

We can all agree that this is the absolute juiciest scandal of all-time, right? Discussing athletes personal lives is kind of stupid, but this A-Rod story is so scandalous that it’s actually funny. You couldn’t make up something this good. The world’s best baseball player, and future home run king, A-Rod, hooking up with one of the world’s most famous women, Madonna.

Keep in mind that last year A-Rod was photographed going to a strip club with a female bodybuilder, and that Madonna is kind of jacked. She’d probably kick the snot out of everyone on this list, particularly Ron Santo because he’d be unable to run away or generate force behind a punch because he's sitting down. Like I said, discussing athlete’s personal lives is stupid and irrelevant 99%, but this falls in with that lone percentage.

A few minutes later and several tables away, Joe Crede was talking to five reporters about his distractions, which would be "A" material for the cover of Parenting magazine only if he came up with something like a revolutionary toilet-training method.

"The biggest excitement in my life are my two girls, 4 and 2," he said. "That's all the excitement I need right there."

Say what you will about Crede, but he’s no liar. I’m sure playing with babies is way more exciting than leading all AL third basemen in errors, and hitting .253 (and on-basing .325).

Alex Rodriguez, Joe Crede. I always get them mixed up.

Really Rick, because if you do, you are really dumb. One is the best baseball on the planet, one is a fan favorite that is pretty good but nothing to write home about.

They're both third basemen. They're both American League All-Stars. They used to be connected at the agent, Scott Boras, until Rodriguez decided to work out his own deal last year.

That would pretty much sum up the similarities between the New York superstar and the White Sox's resurrected infielder.

Hey, you’re right! So why do you mix them up again?

/doesn’t get jokes

This is Rodriguez's 12th All-Star Game, Crede's first. Rodriguez is the Yankee with the two-ton contract. Crede is the guy who would like a new contract from the Sox.

Please note that after this season, Crede will (probably) be asking for a single-ton contract. Of course that doesn’t mean that he’s a bad guy or even greedy (athletes should get their money), but just saying.

The Sox didn't exactly leave him for dead in the off-season, but they were seen holding a stethoscope. And they sure were talking a lot about an ascendant Josh Fields at third. Whether you believe they were furiously trying to trade Crede and his balky back depends on the person doing the talking.

No, they were certainly trying to trade Crede this offseason, but Kenny Williams wisely help onto him when they could get back decent value. But yeah, Crede was being shopped, as he should have been.

But it's indisputable that Crede is here at the All-Star Game.

Alright, but if Evan Longoria makes it over Crede in the first place (he should have, he’s a way better player) then Jermaine Dye could have won the fan vote. This is what I keep telling myself.

Sometimes standing still — or being forced to stand still — is the best thing for a team.

Forgive Crede for taking some pleasure in this.

No don’t, Crede should enjoy his time as an All-Star. He’s a favorite of every Sox fan, and his 2005 playoff heroics made him forever a Chicago legend. Also: he’ll never be an All-Star again. There, I said it.

Thirteen months ago, he couldn't lift his children because of his back. Six months ago, as he rehabbed from back surgery, he was the subject of trade rumors. Now he's backing up A-Rod at the All-Star Game.

But he shouldn’t be, because Longoria should be. And Jermaine Dye should be on that team. Just making sure we got that part down.

"As a player you're always going out there trying to prove everybody wrong, no matter what kind of situation you're in," Crede said. "You've always got somebody behind you ready to take your spot no matter what your contract status is. You always want to find that way to stay motivated as a player and keep that fire burning underneath you."

If the Sox are smart, they will work something out with Crede.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m about to get angry….

The All-Star selection would seem to be proof that his formerly aching back isn't an issue.

So because Joe Crede’s back has held up for 86 games this year (though you could argue that it’s affecting his play at third), the Sox should be give a monster contract. No, no they shouldn’t.

Ok, if Crede doesn’t want something crazy, it’s alright to lock him up, I suppose. But Crede has never cashed in big as a major leaguer, and this will be his only chance. I’d assume that in a market where Aaron Rowand signs for 5-years, $60 million, Crede will demand something similar. Giving him that type of contract would be incredibly stupid, for a few reasons:

1) As mentioned above, Joe Crede’s back pain was so bad just over a year ago that he couldn’t lift a 3-year old girl. That sounds fairly serious to me.

2) As mentioned above, the Sox have Josh Fields, an awesome 25-year old power hitter if there ever was one. Sure, he’s not the defensive stalwart Crede is (and even though Crede has a lot of errors, he’s still made some sweet run-saving plays), but he’s much, much cheaper than Crede, and I’m fairly certain he’ll prove himself to be a superior hitter. Why pay Crede when you have someone who is younger, cheaper, and probably better than him in the minors?

Then take the money you save by not paying Crede and find a decent starting pitcher. See, it's easy.

Aside from a first half uncharacteristically filled with errors, he has been a rock at third base.

Aside from Force-choking innocent people to death (including his own wife!), Darth Vader wasn’t such a bad dude.

There is the widespread perception in Chicago that Boras is persona non grata with Sox Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf and general manager Ken Williams. Boras insists the reality is completely different.

"Jerry's a bright guy," he said. "He's an easy guy to deal with. ... There's some draft picks (represented by Boras) that they took that they didn't sign. That's just an economic decision.

"I know there's been some bravado (expressed) by the general manager. But it's a good place to play, and if my players want to play there, I do everything I can to keep doors open so I can get players where they want to go."

This is fantastic to say and all, but Kenny Williams loathes Scott Boras. He has said it many times. And like I stated before, Crede isn’t going to take the hometown discount because he’s never had a fatty payday before. And if he even has such thoughts, Boras will certainly do everything in his powers to convince him otherwise.

Crede would prefer to stay with the team that drafted him, the team that nurtured him, the team that gave him a chance to win a World Series.

"I think it's definitely a good possibility," he said. "It just depends on how things end up this year, how guys develop below you or if there's trades. There are numerous things that could obviously happen.

"If we happen to fall out of the playoff race or we stay in — those are two totally different scenarios that could change the outcome for a lot of players."

The White Sox are going to stay in the race because the White Sox are good. Now the question becomes: trade Crede now or (probably) lose him for nothing but compensation draft picks. To me the answer is clear: the Sox are rolling right now, don’t do something stupid and trade a guy who everyone loves and is fairly productive. If he gets a huge offer elsewhere this offseason, say “thanks for knocking in Pablo from second in Game 2 of the 2005 ALCS after AJ reached base on that one crazy play”, and let him walk.

Even today, fans call the radio talk shows to discuss when Fields will no longer be the third baseman-in-waiting. Crazy talk, but it's there.

How is this crazy talk again? Fields is younger, cheaper, and most likely better. Suggesting this is crazy talk is crazy talk.

Part of it comes from the assumption that the Sox won't be able to sign free-agent Crede after the season. Part of it comes with the infatuation with the next new thing. Most of it is silly.

On the other hand, being the subject of silly talk seems a much better existence than having to see your life unfold in the tabloids.

Which is worse crazy talk or silly talk? Also, silly is a very silly word and Morrissey uses it twice in the span of nine words.

On Monday, the New York Post dissed the "paltry" payouts coming from Rodriguez's non-profit charities.

"The $28 million-a-year Yankee star regularly spends oodles of money on personal pleasures — including a private plane, a yacht, a waterfront Florida mansion and dozens of other real-estate holdings, as well as scores of lap dances at strip joints," the Post story said.

So, according to Rick Morrissey, if you work really hard and acquire a ridiculous amount of money, you shouldn’t spend it.

Other than that, he's a regular Joe.

No, A-Rod isn’t a regular Joe. He’s the best baseball player on the planet.

"There's always been something with me," Rodriguez said. "I've learned to kind of put whatever issues are on the front page in one small box over here, and baseball has been a great vehicle for me to kind of keep my mind on what I love to do most — play baseball.

"For four hours between those white lines, I get an opportunity to go out and speak with my actions."

So does Crede. Then he gets to go home to the relative quiet provided by two high-energy little girls.

Well, that column was really stupid. Let’s do this again next time Jay writes about the Sox.