Mitchell Report: surprisingly uncool

Here's a guest post by LONGTIME reader K. Allester Koster. He's better than
me so you might wanna read it. In slightly more exciting news, the Sun-Times
used poor judgment and let me write a post on Roman Modrowski's Full Court Press
sports blog. It'll probably be pulled down shortly for incompetence so read it
while you can.

This is what life was like before I read the Mitchell Report.
With great, tingling heterosexual anticipation I waited. I'd been at
work for a solid four hours and done nothing but compile a rudimentary
list of players who I expected to see on the Mitchell Report. For the
first time in my life my heart raced when Buster Olney talked.
Having intercepted a pirated list from numerous semi-reputable
internet outlets, my prophesied list was looking pretty good.
Patience, not a virtue I've ever been particularly keen on, evaded me
as I waited. Olney began to get boring.

Finally the time arrived. It was a little weird at first because there
was no Black Eyed Peas song to get me pumped up. Gosh, I love that
song. Nothing says "drive and dish" like when Will I. Am drops his
dope beats.

When George Mitchell walked to the podium I am glad they put his name
on the bottom of the screen. I'd never seen him before but upon close
inspection I could tell he'd never done steroids. He did look like Tom
Cruise in "Mission Impossible" when he is wearing the old man mask. I
half expected him to rip his "face" off halfway through to reveal it
was in fact, Ashton Kuthcer pulling yet more hilarious hijinks.

But this was real serious. He even talked about high schoolers doing
steroids. High schoolers shouldn't be doing that type of stuff. It's
been well documented that government-subsidized lunch programs are
both cost-efficient and high in all the vitamins kids need to grow.
Maybe the real problem isn't steroids, but with the school lunch
program.

As Mitchell when on and on, introducing the guy who helped him write
the report, the guy who got that guy coffee, and the barista who got
that guy the coffee to give to the other guy that Mitchell first
mentioned, I began to lose interest. This was so much lamer than a
majestic home run. Anger swelled in me as I realized this might be an
unjust war. All Mitchell cared about was flaxseed oil and I felt that
steroids and round-trippers weren't related at all. Sadly, there was
no MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED poster hanging behind Mitchell. This just
fueled by theory that it really could be Ethan Hunt underneath that
mask. Making people think of Mission: Impossible would total help them
connect the dots.

The Reading

Reading the Mitchell Report was like watching a bad movie with nudity.
All I wanted was the names. The rest was filler. Who cares about
previous testing and New York state law? If I wanted that I'd watch an
episode of "Law & Order." (seriously a good show, mostly because Angie
Harmon is much more hard hitting as the A.D.A than husband Jason
Sehorn ever was as a cornerback.) I just wanted to get to the good
stuff. Seriously, have you ever read something on paper lately? You
can't just click a link and get where you need to go. That's why the
internet is so great. It's like a regular library on steroids.

Human Names Included in the Report

Roger Clemens: Obviously, Roger Clemens hates life right now. And if
by Roger Clemens you mean me and life you mean Roger Clemens. I
think this was the most exciting thing about this whole thing. He
claims to love and respect the game so much and yet he sullied both it
and himself in a selfish pursuit. The best part is we will never be
subjected to another piece about how hard his workout regiment is
without the perfect rebuttal. It's not all that surprising to read his
name. The dude threw a sawed-off bat at Mike Piazza who he openly
despised during the World Series. See: rage, 'roid. And between
Petitte and Roidger, who do you think was pushing who to push what?
The only thing that was proven today was that Roger loved his own
pursuit of immortality more than he loved and respected the game.
Noted cardiovascular exercise/reasonable portion size/steroid avoider
Babe Ruth would be furious you ever rubbed his plaque for luck.

Lenny Dykstra: Possibly only took steroids because he thought it would
counteract inevitable mouth cancer. Attributed gaining 30 pounds of
muscle in an off-season to "really good vitamins." Might be the
greatest brand name for anabolic steroids I've heard yet.

David Segui: Hit 139 homers in his career, zero of which mean anything
to me. This guy took anabolic steroids and human growth hormone.
That's like hitting for the cycle, if by hitting for the cycle you
mean sealing an early death.

Larry Bigbie: Went to Ball State University. David Letterman hasn't
yet been implicated in the scandal however.
Brian Roberts: Remember when he was hitting like .446 with 16 home
runs and it was still April a few years back? Remember how the Cubs
really want to trade for him right now?

Jack Cust: In addition to having a succinct name, he personifies the
"go big or go home attitude." He struck out in 41.5% of his plate
appearances with the A's last year, and 100% of the time today.

Barry Bonds: When I was eight, I wanted Franklin batting gloves
because that's the kind Bonds wore. Then he got an earring and I
thought he was gay, because that's what you thought when it was 1992.
I haven't liked him since. I was wrong about the earring thing. And I
apologize. I hope it brightens your day, Barry.

Bobby Estalella, Randy Velarde, Marvin Bernard, Josias Mazanill, Matt
Franco, F.P. Santagelo, Chris Donnels, Todd Williams, Phil Hiatt, Mike
Lansing, Cody McKay, Adam Piatt, Jason Christensen, Stephen Randolph,
Adam Riggs, Bart Miadich, Matt Herges, Jim Parque, Chad Allen, Howie
Clark, Jeff Williams and Tim Laker: If you are one of these guys here
is your legacy: You took illegal substances in order to gain an
advantage over your competitors and you still sucked bad enough that
no one outside of your wife has mentioned your name in five years.
This is got to be super embarrassing. It's like fudging your golf score
card the whole round and still losing miserably. They suck even at
cheating. I feel sorry for the guys who had to take time out of their
busy days to put the latest black mark on these players Wikipedia
pages.

Grey's Anatomy summation

I don't want to live in a world where Bart Miadich does steroids. The
harsh winter air will soon be filled with pungent smoke as I burn my
Mike Bell jersey, Jim Parque bobblehead and Fernando Vina fake
moustache. American children are without heroes tonight. The Adam
Riggs and Matt Herges posters are being ripped off the wall. Honest,
God-fearing Midwestern families are sitting little Jimmy down at the
dinner table and breaking the news that yes, even players the caliber
of Stephen Randolph and Phil Hiatt have been busted in the Mitchell
Report.

While needlessly over cynical, the previous diatribe isn't terribly
different that all the drivel that's going to appear in print and
online in the coming days. Aspiring poetic geniuses like George Will
are going to don their best Red Smith sweater and unleash a war of
virtue and false victory. Finally, someone is doing something they'll
say. In less than immortal, but mildy entertainng while playing a
video game words of Lee Corso: "not so fast my friends."

Releasing 409 pages of information comprised of stuff we kind of
already knew is not going to fix baseball over night. The damage has
been done, and much like the irreversible consequences of the drug, it
can't be wisked away. In the coming weeks there will be staunch
denials and chronic passing of the buck. No one is going to want to
own up to what they've done and what it means.

There is so much that can be written, so much that needs to be
addressed that I'm not sure where to start. But I do know where to
end. No where is baseball letdown so famously detailed as in Ernest
Lawrence Thayer's story of the slugger failing when it maters most:
"Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing and little children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville — mighty Casey has struck out."