The Bears Like To Party

Remember when the Chicago Bears were synonymous with smash mouth, blue collar football? That was cool and all, but I like what the Bears represent now a lot better: the NFL’s biggest party animals. Most NFL players spend their downtime running and lifting, but not the Bears. They drive drunk, get into fights, bang chicks, and accuse their kids of being pussies. Sounds like my kind of football team. Just look at the Bears roster, is there another team in the league you’d rather hang out with?

Let’s start off with the quarterbacks, clearly the Bears most loaded position. No other team can roll out three guys who party harder then Grossman, Griese, and Orton. Grossman has never met a Hail Mary or vagina he hasn’t liked. The Grease Man once got loaded, slipped on Terrell Davis’ driveway and broke his arm. And then there’s Kyle Orton. I think I’ll let the pictures do the talking:

Then we got Tank Johnson. Talk about a guy who’s entertaining off the field. Where do I even begin? The dude gets his house raided by the fuzz in the middle of the season, and it’s found that he has six guns (including two assault rifles!!) and some weed in his house. Most people would try to keep a low profile after something like that, but not our guy Tank. He goes out and parties at the Ice Bar two days later, only to see his best friend get murdered. So he gets sent to jail, and he’s let out after only sixty days because of good behavior. What’s he do the first day he gets out? Tank gets pulled over for speeding with a little booze and pot in his system, eventually leading to the Bears’ cutting him. And you wonder why his friends call him Tank and not Terry. Would a guy named Terry ever pull any of that shit?

That brings us to the always fiery Olin Kruetz. The man has been to six Pro Bowls, but that hasn’t stopped him from getting in on the fun. During the 2005 season, he got into a brawl with teammate Fred Miller at an FBI shooting range, and jacked Miller in the jaw, breaking it. For those who don’t know, Fred Miller is 6’7, 325 lbs. And yes, Olin Kreutz kicked the shit out of him.Speaking of beating people up, how about Ricky Manning Jr.? One day after the Bears sign him to a free agent contract, Manning goes to Denny's (?) and lays wood on some computer dork for no apparent reason.

Finally, we have Brian Urlacher, who’s almost as entertaining off the field as he is on it. Urlacher has been the face of the franchise since the Bears’ drafted him in 2000, and that face has put him in many exciting places….namely inside Paris Hilton. Now there are new allegations that Urlacher text message-ly abused his ex girlfriend and mother of his son, Tyna Robertson. Here are some of his greatest hits:

"Go to hell you f------ ----." "Grow the f--- up and quit praying and get a job." "You're a f------ fruit cake."

Not only does Urlacher hate God, but he also hates fruit cakes? What’s wrong with that guy. As if that wasn’t enough, Urlacher goes on to question his son’s manliness.

"Your raising a little p---y."

I think G-reg is going to fit in just fine. And you thought the 2005 Vikings were entertaining.